I'm not mad at you, and I guess you're at me.

This is for you, not for you or you or you,
the one with the blue velvet jacket,
but you.

If you are angry at me, then I should say one thing
Just one...

You are absolutely right.
If you are not mad, I guess you're "frustrated".
Or, just making that hard face
to show everyone that "you do not care".

You are showing me,
or trying to show,
that you do not care.

And, of course, you would not admit it.

Or maybe, I just think too much.
And because I love thinking too much,
I will keep writing about it,
In any case you are interested.

I think your method is okay,
that is how you deal with the world.
How you manage your parents,
your friends, your favorite mall rat,
and, or, even God.

But you should know one thing:
I hate that face, above all things.
It irritates me.
I think it is grotesque.
The worst hypocresy ever made.

But, guess what? I can be that, too.
I can not care, If I want to.
That is how I survived like...

Three or four jobs,
several coworkers,
like a hundred school partners,
seven or eight relationships,
and whatever else aspect of life
you wish to put here.

And I ended, each one of them,
because I, too, did not care.

Best of all, I had -and still have-
fun doing it. Because, yes...
I love seeing that other,
becoming mad at me.

It is adorable,
even cute,
makes me snarl: "awwwwwwwnnn".

So, it is my fault.
I admit it.
It is my fault because I cared too much,
way too much, in an obsesive manner.

That's kinda shitty fooky happy crappy.

So, I am resting right now.
I do not wish to care anymore.
Neither, I do not wish you to have fun.
We will do this as it should have been in the beginning.

If you do not care,
I do not care.
If you care,
I do care.
If you adore yourself.
I'll love me so much.

If you hate yourself,
if you had a bad day,
if I made you mad,
Sorry, that is who I am.
That I can not change.

And if you put that face... that grotesque,
silent, solid, rocky face...

That I love so much, even when it irritates me,
I'll just say "Awwwwwww" and pat you, lovingly, in the head.

Worried

I'm really worried about the Movable Type install where I have my blog.

I thought that migrating the database would fix the problem. But I think it is server side, there is a memory leak or something, because the exporting of entries just stops.

Worse than that, just dumping the MySQL database doesn't work either. I keep getting an "Internal Server Error" page. I emailed Support Desk about the problem, to see if they can at least explain what's happening. I do not think I'm exceeding the server's capabilities, but it could be a possibility.

The database only, is 11 megs of text. I'll have to wait for support's desk response, and hopefully, they could have a lead of what's happening. I'm considering that I screwed up MT installation somewhere, maybe when I did an upgrade or I just happened to find the limits of "Movable Type".

Who knows? Maybe Six Apart should hire me as a heavy duty beta tester. Meanwhile, I'm happy playing with blogger and amazed at everything they have to offer just for free.

She watches

I like how she watches me quietly, as if she's discovering a new "Me" right in front of her eyes.
I try to explain to myself how that happens, how she changes from reality to magic. I envy that.

That's one of a long list of things she does, that I love.

Like a careful cat, she stays back and just watches.
Her eyes glistening a small star. Her mouth, just a bit frowned.

She turns into stone, during her magic act. Similar to a sphynx.
That's weird, because she usually moves a lot, like a little child.

I wonder how she does that, every time.

Breakfast

A long, long time ago,
I can still remember
How that music used to make me smile
And I knew if I had my chance,
That I could make those people dance
And maybe they'd be happy for a while

American Pie, Don McLean.

Today, I awakaned thinking about how much I miss my mother. When I lived with her, I usually ate a nutritional and delicious breakfast (YUMMY!). Well, she didn't made it, but I did. There was always food on the bridge, if you know what I mean. Pizza was a luxury, not the main breakfast for the "trying to be independent" guy.

That made me snap. I realized that I miss her badly. I thought that I should be with her. Go home, I thought, you should go that place called home.

She said that there are lot of jobs for people who can speak and write english. I can do that, I guess. Those jobs are "well" paid. I considered it (and I still am). But that would mean leaving school and/or starting over again. A couple of years wasted.

But it would be a fresh start.

*sigh*, I do not know what I am saying. I just miss my mother.

We are all alone now. If something happens to us, we would not know. If she gets sick again, she wouldn't tell me because she doesn't have a phone, neither internet. If I get sick, or something, she wouldn't know either. We're all alone now, mother.