The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had.

These days, I've been reading... a lot.
I've seen old friends. Coffee and then... party, and such.
I've flirted with old girlfriends, just to say them no.

My girl offered to come and see me, because she slightly knows.
With all her family, again... with the bunch.
Of course, I've a slight problem with that, but bah...
it ain't that important, not anymore.
I am tired of fighting the same ol', same ol'.
Come to think it: there is no real reason to fight at all.

At least she offered, that's good.

These days, I feel that I don't exist at all.
I am depressed, but this time, I am not angry.
Whenever I get depressed, I get mad at me...
I get mad with everyone...
and they know it.

I solve the same questions of everyday,
with a light smile on my face.
I hardly respond, when I am busy,
with a little frown in my forehead.
Everyone supposes I am okay, and that...
is good. I do not want anyone to know.

I try not to write, because everything I do...
I feel it's rubbish, it's shitty and it's bad.
Everything I read, appears so hard to understand.
And whenever I see old friends, is as nothing changed.
Even though one of them has a kid of his own, now.

Yesterday, he didn't have the kid, if you know what I mean.
Now... he has a son. But man... parenthood didn't changed him.
He's the same.
What does that mean? Am I like him?
After all this years, I'm still the
same ol',
same ol'...
same old shit?

When I go out to the street,
and walk to the little shop in the corner.
I do not think.
When I am depressed and angry at me, I usually think a lot.
And, sometimes, I explode and feel the tears sliding down my cheek.
When I am happy, I also think a lot.
I am always creating stuff with the people in my mind,
like they were my toys in a bucket.
And we play together, for a long time.

It is like I do not exist. And nobody cares.
And I do not want them to know. Why should they?
Why should they care? Would they try to help or fix anything?
Would anyone understand? I do not think so, I barely understand it myself.
Man... this is the first time I feel like this.
And it seems like I've been feeling like this for forever.

What did I do this time, to reach this strange state of mine?
What the fuck did I eat? Mushrooms? A bad pizza?

There's nothing in my life. That could be it.
There's nothing in my life but work.
And work has turned monotonous and boring.
And soon, I'll have school also.
But school, will also be the same ol', same ol'.
Then again... that's the only things I have.

I can't ask for more, because there's no more.

(No family living here anymore,
no girl without her family bunch,
no friends, male or female, that could understand me,
no money, no sister, no kind of glory)

There's no happines, no anger.
Just sadness. It is like I do not exist anymore.
That's all there is to it.