Ponder.

I don't ask my self why I stopped writing in that Árbol de los Mil Nombres stuff... it's pretty easy: I got tired, and I'm tired. Like I said Romina: I'm cleaning the shit.

I got to do a lot. Got to plan, got to move out, got to return to school, got to save a few bucks.

Got to live.

Choose life. Heh.

Otherness

I like that word, also... but I don't like its counterpart in spanish: "Otredad". It's like a punch in the nose when I hear it, when I read it aloud. However, when it's written (in spanish), I like it. Otredad. Kinda weird.

I should be reading some article for tomorrow's class, but I'm kind of lazy right now. I should try to sleep, but I don't feel like it, I miss her a lot.

I want to start a new story, but my lack of discipline tells me I shouldn't. I know I'll do it anyway. I'll do it in Word this time, I won't publish it until it has an ending point in it.

Maybe I should start writing a few chapters before I'm gone to sleep.

My usual self

I'm sarcastic.

I'm always smiling, even when I'm sick of you, or the world.
It was hard to taught myself how to pretend to be furious.
I'm a little neurotic, ummm, strike the little... I am a neurotic.

I can hurt with words, I do not need my hands, neither my feet, to do that.
Well, I use my teeth, but just for a correct phonetic pronunciation.

I enjoy music, even when I don't know who sings or what type it is.
I'm always thinking about stuff. I consider myself an elegant, creative, damned and tortured mind (hey, hey... remember the sarcasm?)

I'm a sex starved fiend. I'm not easily satisfied.
I like to write, even when I don't consider myself a writer. But... what's a writer in these days, anyways? There's no real need anymore. Formulas have been invented and the average guy could write a novel.

To be a genious of literature... well, you have to be a genius with great publicity.

I'm a bastard, in a literal sense.

Uncomfortable

I'm not comfortable with my life right now.
Yesterday, as I was seeing the big picture:
A great collage of small moments of my life,
I thought about my childhood.

And then, snap, I remembered the feeling.
I'm hardly satisfied with anything.
That's how I felt in my childhood...

I mean...

I had control over little things in my life,
the things in which I didn't had any control...
I just let them be,
and I do not let them to interfere.

But sometimes, and you know it, everyone knows...
those things which you can not control, do interfere.
And they won't let those little things, YOUR little things, alone.

Now, I'm supposed to be an adult.
That means, I have bigger stuff.
It's harder to keep track of everything.
But I still feel like a child when I lose it.

Blue

I believe the soul is blue in nature.
Of course, there are red souls, even yellow or rain-forest green...

Souls should be blue, anyway.

Soul

I like that word, "Soul".
I like it when I hear it.
Today, I think no other word exist.

Soul.

Hello, hellow, helloween!

My birthday is coming. And that makes me think I had a rough year...
Now I can say that everything changed in my life.

I live on my own, now. I'm an independent bastard.
You know what that means: YOU BECOME YOUR OWN ADMINISTRATOR.

Yeehaw.

I'm so thrilled...

Oh man, I wonder if this year was only a nightmare.
I hope when I'm 23, I'll magically open my eyes and discover myself at home, with momma & pops, a glass of milk and Santa Claus laughing all over the place.

So kids, there you have it... if you're still young. Enjoy it.
And if you become an independant bastard... well, then try to have fun.

I specially recommend "The bloody grin" for that effect.

I know

It's been a long time since I posted something here,
but then again, english is not my everyday language.

I'll try to do it, even if it's something brief.
Even a sentence without any meaning.
A garbled sentence, which means everything to me.

Now, that's corny.

The dreams in which I'm dying, are the best I've ever had.

These days, I've been reading... a lot.
I've seen old friends. Coffee and then... party, and such.
I've flirted with old girlfriends, just to say them no.

My girl offered to come and see me, because she slightly knows.
With all her family, again... with the bunch.
Of course, I've a slight problem with that, but bah...
it ain't that important, not anymore.
I am tired of fighting the same ol', same ol'.
Come to think it: there is no real reason to fight at all.

At least she offered, that's good.

These days, I feel that I don't exist at all.
I am depressed, but this time, I am not angry.
Whenever I get depressed, I get mad at me...
I get mad with everyone...
and they know it.

I solve the same questions of everyday,
with a light smile on my face.
I hardly respond, when I am busy,
with a little frown in my forehead.
Everyone supposes I am okay, and that...
is good. I do not want anyone to know.

I try not to write, because everything I do...
I feel it's rubbish, it's shitty and it's bad.
Everything I read, appears so hard to understand.
And whenever I see old friends, is as nothing changed.
Even though one of them has a kid of his own, now.

Yesterday, he didn't have the kid, if you know what I mean.
Now... he has a son. But man... parenthood didn't changed him.
He's the same.
What does that mean? Am I like him?
After all this years, I'm still the
same ol',
same ol'...
same old shit?

When I go out to the street,
and walk to the little shop in the corner.
I do not think.
When I am depressed and angry at me, I usually think a lot.
And, sometimes, I explode and feel the tears sliding down my cheek.
When I am happy, I also think a lot.
I am always creating stuff with the people in my mind,
like they were my toys in a bucket.
And we play together, for a long time.

It is like I do not exist. And nobody cares.
And I do not want them to know. Why should they?
Why should they care? Would they try to help or fix anything?
Would anyone understand? I do not think so, I barely understand it myself.
Man... this is the first time I feel like this.
And it seems like I've been feeling like this for forever.

What did I do this time, to reach this strange state of mine?
What the fuck did I eat? Mushrooms? A bad pizza?

There's nothing in my life. That could be it.
There's nothing in my life but work.
And work has turned monotonous and boring.
And soon, I'll have school also.
But school, will also be the same ol', same ol'.
Then again... that's the only things I have.

I can't ask for more, because there's no more.

(No family living here anymore,
no girl without her family bunch,
no friends, male or female, that could understand me,
no money, no sister, no kind of glory)

There's no happines, no anger.
Just sadness. It is like I do not exist anymore.
That's all there is to it.

A sudden struck of Anger... Despair... Fornlorn.

And, suddenly, I felt bad. Without any aspiration, or inspiration, or motivation.
Suddenly, yes, I felt like I have been feeling a couple of days ago.
Maybe more,
Even... I could say I feel like this since I was born.

(Yeah, I know, I know my depressive status, I should see a psychologist.
But I do not trust them).

The problem is, I feel nothing has changed.
I fear that nothing will change in the future.
And I fear (very much, thank you), that nothing will change tomorrow.

I feel like and old monument, who has lost its old days of theatre, cultural events, and orgiastic moments. Old Greece should weep a tear for me. bah.

And I feel like everyone, around me, is okay with that. I feel like they have an everchanging life, and I know it is not like it... but then again, they have the power to change everything.

I feel powerless.

Today, I do not want to hear about promises.
About probable changes in my life.
About my objectives, or my life project.
Today, I do not want to think in the near future.

I just, do not want to hear.